Tuesday, February 15, 2011

These Strange Ashes

Since I’ve been home the number one question that people have asked me is, “What are you going to do now?” Big question. I have no idea. I have been stateside for three weeks now and have been up and down emotionally as I am working through the highs and lows of transitioning out of an intense season of life and returning “home” to the familiar. How does one end one season of life and start up a new one without spending time reflecting over the experiences, the emotions and the spiritual lessons? This is where I am now, stuck in between the ending of one season and the beginning of another. Where does one even begin to start processing through all that I’ve experienced in the last two years away from home?
Several months ago my parents mailed me a book they thought would be helpful for me to read as I entered this period of transition, and I’ll admit that it has been a helpful resource over these past three weeks. The book is entitled “These Strange Ashes” and is the account of Elisabeth Elliot’s first year of missionary life in the jungle of Ecuador. I have found comfort reading her honest words about the struggles and the guilt and the expectations laid out for the missionary life. It is intriguing to me that while I was in a different part of the same continent, in a different time and doing a different work, that we experienced some of the same challenges in the day-today life, some of the same spiritual lessons, and the same division of the heart. Elliot writes,
“It is hard for a young person with high ideals to learn that people cannot be hustled. They cannot be hustled into the kingdom of God, and it is well to remember Christ’s own descriptions of that kingdom: leaven and seed, things that work slowly and out of sight. We long for visible evidence of our effectiveness, and when it is not forthcoming, we are tempted to conclude that our efforts had nothing to do with the kingdom.” (p.135, “These Strange Ashes”)
I spent the majority of the two years I spent away from home, working in areas where I am not gifted. Starting a ministry from scratch is a difficult feat in and of itself, and we were a small team. For someone who feels the passion of the Lord rising up within her as she teaches and disciples young women to know and understand the word of God better, it was a long and emotionless season of ministry sowing the seeds of evangelism and not be able to “hustle” the people along to the stage of discipleship. So having left the ministry without discipling a single person, (at least discipling as we understand it to be) it is easy to then conclude that my efforts to serve the Lord were somehow in vain. My biggest fear is that God had no other purpose for me in these two years other than “obedience for the sake of obedience”. That all he wanted from me was to do this because He said to do it. As I sit here and process and I ask God the meaning of it all, I fear that I will receive no other answer, no other explanation that will give purpose to all of the trials and hardships that I endured while being a missionary. As I read through Elliot’s own experiences and trials I connected with her in her honesty of not loving the work that she was doing. She explains that it was not hard at the end of her term to leave the region she worked in during her first year of ministry;
“It was not hard to accept, and to leave the big, gloomy thatched house in San Miguel with its admixture of memories – the births, deaths, struggles, failures, losses and all the days and weeks of common, ordinary missionary life when I accomplished nothing visible or tangible, when I often wasted time and wished I were elsewhere and allowed my thoughts to go off in all directions except where they belonged.” (p.143, “These Strange Ashes)
I’m embarrassed to admit that I spent a good deal of my time in Peru wishing I were home, wanting to be doing other things that would seem to give more real sense of accomplishment. I worked out of obedience, but not out of love, and not out of desire to “save the world for Jesus”. Does that make me less of a missionary? I’m not so sure. When I think back to Jesus’ teachings and all the times he said, “If you love me, then obey my commands”. I’ve come to understand that I can love the Lord with my obedience just as well as I can love him with my words and my actions.
So now, three weeks into being home I continue to spend time thinking through all I’ve experienced, praying that God will speak to me during this time of transition and give me purpose now that I am home.
As for me and this blog? Well, now seems like a good time to wrap it all up. I’ve appreciated this outlet to help me share what I couldn’t take the time or space to share in my newsletters. So thank you to all of you who took the time to read it, and cared enough to share in this experience with me.
Most sincerely,
Bethany

48 comments:

rawson.jenny said...

I saw this and it makes me think of you. I think some of the stuff on the about page might be encouraging to you.
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I found it through this link, which has a relevant quote:
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/02/12/beware-of-worldly-definintions-of-fruit/

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog when night. I was moved by your honesty as a young believer. Your comment of obedience for the sake of obedience makes me think of Isaac when God asked him to sacrifice his only son. The son that he waited years for in promise. To me, your faith is amazing and for selfish reasons, I ask you to continue writing. Continue sharing where God leads you. My daily struggles seem so insignificant/petty when I have someone elses journey to pray for.
Sincerly, A Sister in Christ

Jennifer Rod said...

I hope this wasn't your last post! As I read as I was really touched by your honest words and your desire to serve God. I just stumble here and don't know all the went on during your trip but I sure hope you are able to transition back home peacefully. Gracefully. I pray God will lead you during this time and use you to bless others. Hope you go back to Latin America!

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meredith mcallister said...

I remember a Bethany who served a LOT of people out of a LOT of love. Your care with the teas for the girls, and attention to your students...your love for Diana and her family...I don't think 45 people would have come to your bday party slash goodbye party if they didn't feel loved by you. I also valued your input and insights on our team...going to miss that! Hoping today the feelings are balancing out between the sadness and the joy...but be assured, you did not labor in vain!
p.s. and i'm sure that i'll get barraged with questions about you from people missing you when i get back!!! I will be missing you too!
meredith

Lathavijayakumar said...

honesty is the best policy.

darcie said...

Bethany, you don't know me, but I happened upon your blog this evening, and being that missions in Latin America is tender to my heart, I read on with interest (your reference to "These Strange Ashes" was really good). And then I thought, "Could she be with Reachglobal in Peru?" And then I saw Meredith's picture on your earlier post! I had just talked to Meredith on the phone randomly a few weeks ago-she was looking for my daughter Rachel who had also served the Lord with Reachglobal in Lima many years ago! so, I enjoyed your posts, as you transition (I've been there too)may God strengthen you with all power according to his glorious might with all steadfastness and patience with joy.

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வயாமா said...

I like ur stansa
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may god bless u well

ronald said...

this is awesome!

Teci Pulido said...

Hi there Bethany, your blog is "next" to mine in Google's blogroll. God bless you for your sincerity and your humility. We're not supposed to have all the answers all at once, but it's wonderful to see you place your complete faith in Him. May you find clearer directions in all aspects of your life, for the short-term and the long-term. GOD sees your heart, and HE is your reward. :)

Leminur said...

Keep it up with your blog eh? Looking good you know?

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gusDon said...

I read the bible when going to church or listen as the priest read it at the front...
I always need God, though sometimes his answer to say No! God always answer to the mystery...
Your notes are very good!

Wise Hearted said...

Hi Bethany, I am Betty Draper and after posting on my blog I just took a stroll onto the next several blogs seeking something of interest to read. After reading through the first few sentences I was hooked into finishing your. My husband and I are missionary in Papua New Guinea with New Tribes Mission and we served 7 years in Bolivia, SA and on home missions for a while.
We have done the home assignment several time through the years alway needing more time to adjust to stateside living then we need when we are overseas. One thing is were are usually so tired from our ministry we need a month or two to refresh but that does not alway happen. Family, friends, supporters all want a piece of us since we have been gone so long. Love seeing everybody but our hearts cry for a little rest time to sort through the many events that took place while we served.
Loved your honesty.
When people ask me when I was called to be a missionary I tell them I never was, I am commanded to give out the gospel where ever i live. Since I am married my calling is in Gen. called to be a help mate to a great man. Another thing I usually correct is when they respond with us being on the front of the battle. Again I believe the front of the battle for soul is anywhere in the world you give out the gospel. The forces of hell rise up to snatch the seeds of salvation.
This is what has kept us serving Him in hard places....its not the lost people, its not the adventure of the country, its for sure not the money and fame. II Cor 5:14-15 it is His love for us, not our love for Him that motivates us to live in hard place, sacrifice, endure the separation from comfort of home, families, friends. One must bury themselves in the knowledge of how much He loves us, not how much we love Him or what we do. See our love is so frail, His is not, His never shatters, never gets tired, always pours our new mercy for each day.
So Bethany I pray for you today as you adjust. Will for sure check back on your blog at times to see how you are doing. glad I keep scrolling.

Jer's said...

So - what now? Where are your thoughts today? Just curious...

Pixie said...

Hey i like your latest post about people constantly asking you what you will do now! I have just graduated and moved back in with my mum and have nooooo plans and no money!!! I hope you get sorted soon xxx

Novelty Pens said...

The knowledge and experience you have gained from your travels is priceless. Everything will fall in place....

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Very interesting!
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Peggy Nyberg said...

Love this..... how well you described the complexities of service and the giving unto others!

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Anonymous said...

Bethany, you seem like such a serious and deep person. I only skimmed your blog and already I am impressed with you. Positive energy radiates from all around you.

Gene Sharpe said...

John Lennon said it best.....Life is something that happens to you while you're busy making other plans! Or something to that effect

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Unknown said...

Wow, very good read. I think everything is right with what you said. Excellent insight. Maybe in your transition toime listed to God vice just asking him. Prayer is a two way conversation. I'm interested in a follow up. We have family on a mission in Equador and in a couple years after my retirement my wife and I plan on going on one. God bless.

Andrew Sharp
Borrowed Faith
http://borrowedfaith.blogspot.com/

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Christian Dream Interpretation said...

Sister, I hope you find God's true plan for all his people. Something the Holy Spirit told me years ago: Do not be too hard on yourself. I don't consider failure what you consider failure. Many of your failures, I counted as success. Twelve years ago, the Holy Spirit clearly led me to a church. That church abused me and created lies about me. It was horrible, all the control in the church and the gossip- and NOT ONE person asked me if any of it was true.
YEARS LATER, the Holy Spirit asked me, "Do you know why I sent you to that church?" I said no. He said, "To show you the bondage my people are under."
I joined the Marines in 1988 when the Holy Spirit told me to. I never served on the battlefield, and asked many years why He had me do that. In 2000, the Holy Spirit had me join the Army National Guard. It was one of the most amazing experiences in my life. The Holy Spirit showed me in dreams where the enemy was, what they were planning. In prayers, the Holy Spirit told us what He was going to do for us, to overcome the enemy.
You may not know today. You may not know next year. But, you are walking with the Lord!
I would like to recommend William Lau of the Elijah Challenge. He has no problem creating disciples for Christ. Watch his training video. You will be amazed.

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Henry Martin said...

Thank you, Bethany, for your commitment to ministering for two years in Peru. I have been on short term teams to Trujillo and know the missionaries there (Peru Missions) very well. I happened upon your blog and felt lead to read the whole two years!

I pray that you and Jason are doing well, now 2.5 years later. God bless you in your further ministry wherever it leads you.