Am I a bad missionary? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just human.

I caught myself thinking it last night, and my first reaction was guilt. My second reaction was justification, and my third reaction was defeat. We were sitting in our living room minutes before our neighbors were to show up for our weekly neighborhood Bible study, praying over the lesson and the time we would be spending with them. Out loud I prayed that God would bring the people, that He would move in their hearts to give them a desire to spend time studying His Word and grow in their understanding of who Jesus is. Inwardly I was hoping that nobody would show up so that I could go to bed early: guilt, justification, defeat. Does this mean that I am a bad missionary? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just human.
I find it interesting that we as Christians so often model our lives, our perspectives and our ideas of good and bad in the same way that the Pharisees and religious leaders of Jesus’ day did. I mean, how many of our beliefs and standards and practices are really biblical, and how many do we just think are biblical? When it comes to attitude and contentment, is it biblically wrong to be dissatisfied with situation and circumstance? I think some would say yes and others would say no, and I am honestly unsure of the correct response. But I do know, or at least I have come to know, that God is bigger than my humanity, and he won’t leave me alone to struggle through it. You see, it was my turn to lead the study last night, to ask the questions, to guide the discussion, to suffer through awkward silences when no one had an answer or wanted to answer, and frankly, I was just tired of having to try so hard to pull a good discussion out of thin air. So inwardly I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to.
But then, the door bell rang, and in walked in two neighborhood moms and 5 neighborhood children. Sigh. Here we go. Plaster on the smile and do the job, because that is why I’m here after all isn’t it? To do the job. And what is the job exactly, to plaster on a smile and teach about Jesus’ love? To some extent yes, but lately I’ve been learning that the job is less about me and more about Him. Yes, I know that this would seem obvious to any mature Christian reading this post, but understanding it in theory and understanding it in practice are two different things. Why? Because who wants to come out and say that they don’t want to share the gospel anymore? Who wants to take the responsibility to admit that maybe they don’t like ministry? Didn’t Jesus ever get tired of dealing with people who couldn’t understand his message? Didn’t Paul ever get tired of being away from “home”? We don’t really see these things in the scriptures do we, so our tendency is to think that what we read is all there was. Paul, the soldier of the gospel, God’s man taking the good news to the nations, never tiring, never hesitating, never frustrated with culture, always content to be living out of his trailer . . . I mean tent, and never putting down roots anywhere. Is that really how it was? I hope not. Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but I’d like to think that Paul, while an extraordinary believer and a gifted evangelist, was human like any other missionary or ministry worker. I’d like to think that he got tired, that he got frustrated by cultural barriers, and that some days he just didn’t feel like preaching the gospel. And maybe I’d just like to think that so that I’ll feel better about myself when these thoughts and feelings creep into my being. Because admitting that you’re tired of being a missionary is unbiblical right? But you see, these are the moments, precious moments when I struggle against what I think to be true and what I know to be true, and at the end of the battle I rest in the grace of my Lord. Because then it becomes less about me and more about Him. Last night I would rather have watched TV and gone to bed early than teach a Bible study to my Peruvian neighbors. But then God stepped in. He worked in spite of my attitude and tiredness, and He used the power of His word to speak into the lives of these women and their children. And I walked away encouraged, because I was reminded yet again, that nowhere in the Word does it say that I am responsible for saving everybody I come into contact with in Peru. Nowhere does it say that I am not allowed to admit when I am tired or discouraged or feeling defeated. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12 that God’s grace is sufficient, that His power is made perfect in our weakness. So we boast in our weakness, we delight in our weakness so that Christ’s power may rest on us. So does wanting to watch TV rather than teach a Bible study make me a bad missionary? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just human, human enough to be used by the Lord, yet human enough to need him.

The “Go” of Renunciation

“. . . someone said to Him, ‘Lord I will follow you wherever you go’” ( Luke 9:57

Luke 9:58 are words that destroy the argument of serving Jesus Christ because it is a pleasant thing to do. And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him.

-Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

Stephen Hawking

So in the past few weeks I’ve had a few great opportunities to interact with my fellow teachers and the students of Stephen Hawking High School. Two weeks ago on Saturday the school hosted a “Family Day” at a park outside of town. There were games and relays all morning, picnic lunches and a kite flying contest in the afternoon. This was a wonderful opportunity for me to spend time with the kids and meet their parents, to spend time getting to know the other teachers outside of the classroom. I will confess that after six months of teaching, this was really one of the first moments that I felt part of the school and part of the staff. I helped organize games, judged contests and laughed a lot as I watched my kids enjoy a day with their families and friends. This was also one of the first times I have seen the family emphasized since being in Tarma, and I realized what a cool thing I have the opportunity to be a part of when I think about this school. In the first year of its existence, I have seen the teachers really care for the kids, both academically and personally. I have seen the administration emphasize values and healthy growth. And I’ve been impacted by being a part of it all.
Another opportunity I’ve had to spend time with my kids has been through a series of tea-parties that I’m hosting for the girls of the school. I’m inviting each grade over at a time (generally 8-10 girls) for food, games and a craft, to spend time getting to know them better and hopefully opening doors for future involvement in their lives, even after I go home. Last week I held the first tea-party with my first grade girls, and although only two showed up, we had a really good time. Maritza is one of the girls I’m trying to get to know and hopefully disciple at some point, and Noelia is one of the other first grade girls who has participated in a few of our team events. My next tea party is scheduled for this coming Friday, so I’d prayer for the evening and my conversation with the girls.

To-Do Lists and Social Engagements

Well I feel like I need to apologize once again for not having updated anything in the past two weeks. August (like so many other months) has been busy with a lot of abnormal activity. After our week hosting interns, we packed up to head back to Lima for a while. I had a college friend coming to visit, and the timing matched up with an intensive course at the ADIEL Institute as well as our inevitable move from our hazardous apartment in San Felipe. Our lease ended this month, and instead of offering us another lease to sign, our troublesome landlords decided they wanted to move back into the apartment. So we have been spending the past month trying to figure out where we could move to, and when we could actually make the move. Ely, our 5th roommate that is only in Lima 10 days out of the month (she works in Cuzco) decided to buy an apartment. But the problem was that it is in a newly constructed building that won’t be finished until late October. So having to move out in August and not being able to move in until October was presenting an obvious problem for us, especially since we can’t keep going back and forth between Tarma and Lima for moving purposes. Finally a solution presented itself a during our week with the interns: a missionary family that has a house close to our apartment in Lima went back to the States to raise support, so we were able to move all of our stuff into their garage as a sort of storage unit until Ely’s apartment is finished and we are able to move in. Moving in Peru is a complicated process as there are no U-Hauls, or moving services. It is also difficult because you have to keep an eye on the driver of whatever privately owned truck you’ve been able to rent to make sure he doesn’t take off with some of your stuff! Needless to say we were all very thankful to get everything safely moved from the apartment into the garage and be done with it . . . at least for now.
During the process of finding places to live and making plans, I realized that I really no longer needed an apartment in Lima since I won’t have a reason to go back until I’m passing through on my way home. So I was then able to pack up the two plastic boxes of items I had in the Lima apartment and store them at one of our ReachGlobal missionary’s house for the next few months in place of paying rent for an apartment I will not use. So in a sense, packing up the Lima apartment was nicely timed.
Anyway, all that to say that we were crazy busy in the days we were in Lima. Meredith and I got back to Tarma this past Monday, and since being back I’ve been full up with to-do lists and spontaneous social engagements. It always takes me a few days to re-wrap my head around all I have to do after a trip, so I was thrown back into my responsibilities here in Tarma with little time to readjust. Teaching classes, having team meetings and trying to organize a new Bible study that we hope to start next week has been all I’ve been able to handle. Fortunately things are getting done in between all of the random birthday parties that we’ve been invited to at the last min. Peru is a very “in-the-now” country, and most social outings/parties/invites tend to be organized the-minute-of, which is hard for a personality like mine who likes a schedule and advanced notice when I’m going to have to go to a birthday party that starts at 10:30pm and ends at 2:00 :)
But I am back and should be in my rhythm again come Monday – hopefully with more regular blog posts again. I’ll just end this one saying that I am very thankful to be back in Tarma with no plans to travel to Lima for a while. I’m looking forward to being able to put my all into the work here and see how God continues to move this ministry along.

End of Internship

Well yesterday marked the end of our second official university internship and we sent the kids back to Lima with feelings of satisfaction and success. We did a lot in this week and I think that the students were given a basic and clear idea of what the missionary life looks like. Like I mentioned before, we had some workshops prepared to present to them, a few devotionals and discussions. Beyond that the kids helped us prepare a youth event, an all-day field trip to the country, and this weeks’ “Hora Feliz”. They also helped prepare a Sunday worship service that we had in our living room yesterday morning. It was neat to hear the kids (I say kids when really they are ages 18-29) share about what they liked about the week and what they learned. And all of them said that they wished that they could stay another week. We’re hoping to have a two-week to one-month internship put together for the future to be able to focus more on the daily life and the ups and downs of culture and team work. But for now, we are satisfied with the 6 students who came and lived and learned in Tarma. Here are a few pictures from the week.

Happy Anniversary Tarma Team!!!

Well today officially marks the one-year anniversary of our ministry team in Tarma! One year ago today we began the journey of planting a church in this quaint little town, and sharing the gospel with all who came across our path. It is strange to think that one year of full-on ministry has passed and to look at where we are now and all we have yet to accomplish. At the end of a year I just have to sit back and thank God for his faithfulness. He has been our strength and our vision, he has given out amazing grace and mercy, and I know that we have only gotten to this point because He is a good God. We are blessed to celebrate this one year of ministry with the university interns who might one day be part of this ministry as well – what a cool though!

University Missionary Internship

First of all I want to thank all of you that have been praying for me and my health over these past few weeks. I am happy to report that with the exception of just a tint of yellow at the corners of my eyes, I am back to normal and healthy once again. I’m still not eating out, and have stuck to a pretty limited diet, which I will probably continue for another week or so just to be safe. But really it means so much to me to know that I have this kind of prayer support behind me. I was nervous about this disease lingering on and on like it often does, and keeping me out of the game for an extended period of time. Fortunately God saw fit to heal me just in time for the team to host its second University Missionary Internship! Last January, we hosted two university students (Diego and Sayuri) for a week of training, workshops and practical experience for the missionary life. We covered topics like cross-cultural servanthood, the importance of being grounded in spiritual and biblical truths; we practiced sharing testimonies and the gospel, and brought them along to Bible studies and events giving them their own set of responsibilities during the week. This time around we were blessed with six students from Lima and we are having a blast. These are students who have leadership roles in their churches and have an interest in serving the Lord on a more formal level once they graduate. We have taught many of the same workshops and devotions, but have a few new events that the students will participate in. We will be hosting a youth night tomorrow night, and all day Saturday we have a field-trip/family day planned for all the people that have participated in our Bible studies. It’s a full week, but I am thankful for the activity and the energy to take part once again in the ministry.